


I'll disappear by myself before the morning arrives

by UnlimitedSkye



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Gen, Introspection, It's been weeks and I'm honestly still thinking about Ben because he deserves the world, Spoilers for Season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26144524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnlimitedSkye/pseuds/UnlimitedSkye
Summary: For the longest time Number Six wanted to be invisible.Somewhere along the way, Ben Hargreeves wanted to be visible.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	I'll disappear by myself before the morning arrives

For the longest time Ben Hargreeves wanted to be invisible. 

His siblings enjoyed the spotlight, all the hard work and training paid off when they got to go to missions—their names would be plastered on the newspaper, they would be praised and admired by the public.

But for Ben, the most difficult part was the missions. 

He’d much rather focus on training hand-to-hand combat like Luther and rely on that alone, but Father would take any chance he could get to have Ben use Them—after all, that was his power, and that was what made him Number Six.

In truth, he’s never sure if he’s really in control. Did Ben harness the power of The Horror, or did The Horror wear the skin of a human and call themselves Ben? Humans looked so small when They were in control, one small tap could crush their hearts and one pull could tear them apart. (Ben hated watching, though he could never stop, nor did he ever forget. Guts were eager to paint the empty canvases, screams for mercy rang in his ear, the metallic odor lingered in the air and the splatter of blood was always too warm.) 

He’d spend hours and hours scrubbing but never felt clean even after his own skin had worn down.

Ben found solace in the mundane, frequently wondering if his love for literature could define him. His siblings were more than enough to fill what they would call home, so more often than not Ben would be quietly tucked in the corner reading a book. He enjoyed delving into different worlds and imaging himself as the protagonist of boundless stories, momentarily forgetting about the present. 

He didn’t want to be seen.

He wanted to be away from prying eyes.

He wanted to shrink and shrink and shrink until he could disappear.

Until.

He did.

(He was afraid, but Klaus wanted him and called for his name so he didn’t hesitate to run away from the light.)

Ben Hargreeves wanted to be visible. 

He missed the way Luther would praise him for following Father’s order. He missed the times Diego would bring a comic book and asked if Ben could read it with him. He missed how Allison would put makeup on him to practice for the future. He missed the warm hugs Klaus could give. He missed how Vanya would smile at him when he’d listened to her violin. He hopes Five is in a better place, he really hopes so because dear God does Ben miss him; he’d never wish for any of his siblings to be in his position and he prays that Five figured out time travel and just ran away for good. 

Before long his family had separated. Though he wishes he could watch every one of them it was Klaus’s power that made Ben strong enough to appear, to be conscious. 

So he watches Klaus waste his life away, though as frustrating as it is he could never blame him for having the ability to see such terrible things. 

As much as Ben tried, Klaus would never listen, and in the same ironic way his family never listened to Klaus when he had anything to say about Ben. 

He honestly thought that was it.  
That he’d continue living his life as the silhouette of his brother. 

It didn’t hurt so much, no, if you live long enough you could get used to anything. He selfishly held onto fragments of himself, because that was something instead of nothing and Ben would take it.

But dear little Five came back, and though he’s lived almost twice as much of life alone he never gave up on returning to his family. 

Ben felt ashamed, because at some point prolonging himself became more important than protecting his family. He didn’t want to leave his family alone, he couldn’t, not when they’re in shambles, but in truth what fueled him more was that  _ he _ was afraid to leave his family.

Ben grew impatient, exasperated, but then he could touch.

He touched—well, he  _ punched _ Klaus. 

He saved Diego.

He stubbornly held onto that slither hope, that maybe, just maybe, he had a chance to reunite with his family before he had to leave for good.

They were going to stop the apocalypse together, and Klaus was finally able to prove that Ben existed before the moon exploded. 

Even in death he was able to travel to the past, fall in love and experience life without an identity. 

He missed his family so much, and finally seeing them together in 1963 was almost enough. 

But Klaus’s powers were getting stronger, and for once he was given a chance to speak. 

Ben was selfish. (But so was Klaus, denying his chance to reunite with his family.) He was able to possess Klaus, and it felt  _ extraordinary.  _

He was solid against the ground, he could feel pressure on his feet— _ he could feel!  _ The wind blew and his hair moved accordingly, he could taste and he could speak and be  _ heard _ . 

He hugged. He hugged Diego. And Diego smiled and believed him and said how much he missed Ben. He wanted his family safe, more than anything, so he dragged Klaus to the rendezvous even if that meant he would be angry and never let Ben possess him again. 

For Ben Hargreeves, interacting with his family was no longer a dream but instead a reality that would come with time.

So first, they had to stop the apocalypse. 

It was Vanya, his dear sister. 

First Allison, then Diego, and finally Klaus. 

Ben saw the light, and  _ he just knew _ . 

He walked closer and closer despite his heart screaming for him to run away because he was _afraid_ and he _wasn’t_ _ready._ For once there were things he wanted to do that were in reach and _he didn’t want to go._

But that was her sister, and he could cry thinking about what it would be like for her to be  _ so alone _ . 

_ “Can you hug me as I go?”  _

  
  
  
  


But none of those things ever happened. 

Because he never had siblings called Luther and Diego and Allison and Klaus and Five and Vanya. 

_ He never died. _

On that fateful day, The Horror shrieked at the six people that appeared in the Sparrow Academy; something in his heart ached painfully and he wanted to cry because they seemed so  _ familiar. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope my depiction of The Horror was alright because they confuse me,,  
> (I'm glad Justin Min will be back for season 3 but /our/ Ben Hargreeves is gone forever... unless?)


End file.
